How to deal with the pain of losing a mother

C.now doctor,
My name is Francesca and I am writing to you because I am going through a bad time. I am 58 years old, the last of three children and, despite my age, the youngest of the house. I have always been very protected and pampered by parents and older siblings even as an adult, now married with children.

I write to you because help me find some light in this darkness that surrounds me: has recently come to I miss my mother Although I was prepared to grieve since she was 89 years old and had been ill for some time, her loss plunged me into a unfillable void: I can’t concentrate at work I’ve got very isolated and I have difficulty to sleep. My daughter and husband are very close to me, but everything seems pointless. His closeness fails to give me relief. My husband approaches me, hugs me, hugs me and I feel annoyed and disgusted. I would like to ask you for some advice to overcome this event and return to being serene, active and happy as before.

Francesca

Marinella Cozzolino’s response

Dear Francesca,

Forgive the obvious but I can’t help but point out the fact that you are going through one of the most painful times of your life. It seems absurd, but when we are faced with the pain of a loss, we must first of all remember that it is a painthat it is a loss, many times immense and suffering it is the least that can happen to us.

The pain cannot be avoided, but…

Pain cannot be avoided, it is a dark tunnel, often very dark, that you have to go through. It shouldn’t be furnished, you shouldn’t stay there for long, It’s not healthy not to try to get over it but cross it taking all the time that immense pain deserves. Death is a serious matter and as such it must be lived and treated.

Life and death

Most of us mention death very often throughout our lives. We do many things thinking that later… we could no longer do them. “Enjoy life, you’re going to die”, what are you waiting for to show off that wonderful dress? Make the most of it, life is short.”

And precisely because life is short, we don’t want to associate with heavy people, we don’t want to waste time, we don’t want to do a job that doesn’t give us satisfaction, we don’t want to have regrets or remorse. Because you die and it is in life that you have to do all the beautiful things possible. Another thing that we usually say is “only for death there is no remedy.”

He is suffering precisely for this: because there is no remedy for that death.

Mom is unique and irreplaceable, for many reasons. With the loss of a parent we also lose our being children, we actually become adults and this scares us a lot. In addition to the emptiness left by the person who is no longer there, there is the emptiness of the role and the fear of being left without support. there is the emptiness of shared space, about the things we did together that supported each other. The us dies along with those who leave. Regardless of her and our age, a relationship with a mother, if it works, is a relationship that continues to feed, give strength, life. It works.

the pain of loss

It is not like that for everyone, not always and only for that reason, you feel privileged. Feel the strength that your mother has been telling you all these years and feel ready to use it. Suffering a loss means having enjoyed and taken a lot from that presence.

According to psychoanalysis, a family relationship, a The relationship between parents and children is all the healthier the more capable it is of dissolving.

Learn to do less than parents

The task of the parents is also teach us how to do without them, otherwise it’s addiction. The task of children is to be able to find other mothers and other fathers in the course of life. Have you met any before? It has been built over time, through important referents of relationships similar to the one he had with his mother? It would be important and critical to your well-being at this time. A teacher, a religious figure, a cousin, a friend. Among all the women you normally date there may be another mother, a mother figure who is able to give you the same sense of care and attention.

Recover the relationship with the husband.

In this first period, this protective and affectionate figure may be her husband. This would explain the feeling of rejection that she feels when he approaches her. It is probable that her approach until now has also been linked to the erotic sphere and that, at this moment, there is no room in her emotions for libido. it is physiological

Pain and libido, there is a link

As Freud said, the the work of mourning will be done when you recover your libido, vital energy, passion for life. Only when the powerful energy of passion returns will you be able to pour it out on him and on your adult life as a couple. A hug.

Dimmy, the psychologist 7 days a week

Based on an idea from Dr. Marinella Cozzolino, Psychologist, Clinical Sexologist and President of theItalian Association of Clinical Sexologyis born Dimmy, the psychologist 7 days a week from 8 a.m. to 12 p.m. “The goal is to bring psychology closer to as many people as possible. With Dimmy the psychologist is online.

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