I am writing to you because I am desperate. I’m grieving for the end of a love, a lot, a lot and this makes me tired. I’m 30 years old, have a great job, a family that loves me, wonderful friends and a house I just bought. Alone. All good except that the end of a story is literally knocking me out.
For about a year (little more) I started dating a colleague of mine, 33 years old and boyfriend of 10. Distance history, they hardly ever see each other but holidays together, Christmas together with families. I knew about his “stable” relationship Right from the start, I promised myself that I would never, ever have anything to do with an engaged man but we start dating. Walks, trekking, aperitifs, dinners and, one February evening, I sleep at his house. From that moment on almost every weekend we were together, very high complicity, intimacy, passion, desire to be together. We get over the summer holidays, always great desire, strong passion and we continually tell each other the good we love each other. In short, you can’t stay apart. I realize be in love with him, madly and totally. I never had the courage to tell him.
He introduces me to his friends, I to mine. I buy a house and fantasize about life together. In December, his fiancée announces that in January she will come to work in our city. They will then move in together. We talk about it, I’m destroyed. He confesses to me that he knows he’s not going to get well but he sees no alternative. The thing that brings me down is that he didn’t consider ME as an alternative. As an escape from his boring “married” life. He has always told me about their crisis, their quarrels, but never mentioned a separation. Not even now that with tears in his eyes I ask him to leave her.
Now I ask: how to deal with all this? How will it evolve? How am I going to make it out alive?
I thank you.
Esther Viola’s answer
You make it, you make it. You come out alive and if you practice a little, even a little pissed off.
This is a serious column and carelessness is not allowed – for example: ah, what a deluded person you really think she is telling the truth, she won’t leave her because she doesn’t want to leave her, the rest is lies. We’re not going to get out of this episode like this.
It’s more complicated than that, we know. But it happens that at a certain point – I speak of amorazzi and even beautiful loves – you have to escape the complexity. Not because it’s smart to simplify – we’re very wrong – but because it’s quicker. It must be done first. Complexity would now mean means to collect explanations. “Understanding” eats up the weeks. While there is time, go ahead and do.
The extramarital affair, the extra engagement has always been the high-tension red thread of relationships. You will already know that the more they are in crisis, the more they don’t leave each other. Or they break up, but on the best terms.
For separations, the logical explanation is easy: you need money to invest in order to afford two lives and two houses, therefore extra love.
Love beyond marriage is an economic subordinate. Divorce is like the boat, a sport for the very wealthy. Except for life-or-death love, it is better to remain unhappy and married. And how many life-or-death loves are there? Moreover, if you have an extra penny, invest in real estate, not in the stabilization of lovers.
For the unmarried and reproduced, like yours, there’s still an answer: it is easier to give up a feeling than a habit. Incredible, but that’s exactly how it goes. There are no saints, question Proust and your grandmother. We break up exactly as we fall in love: due to strange circumstances, rare numbers, favorable winds. It almost doesn’t matter how much you love and hate each other.
Interest indistinguishable from disinterest: I know. He doesn’t even wish his enemies. The sacred quatern is always the same. If he doesn’t want me, why:
- 1. Does he text me until dawn?
- 2. Does he ask me to meet?
- 3. Doesn’t he leave his wife?
- 4. Do you keep looking for me?
There is a question that kills all the others, in cases of unrequited love, vaguely requited, requited but to the point of not ruining the formal relationship in office. This: “why would he give up another adoring girl who smoothes out his ego, makes him feel important and wanted?” And, second question: why take on someone who, in six months’ time, if satisfied, would end up becoming another wife? Wives are never interesting unless they are unfaithful.
Let’s squeeze, I even talked too much. Decisions: taken (suffered, but okay, let’s not get lost in the details). Hit: cashed. Forced outings, new friendships, invitations to dinner without conviction: I want you here.